Patrick's Half Ass'ed Humor

Wolverine: The Game Will Rip Off Your Balls And Laugh While Doing It

Wolverine: The Game is a really, really good video game based on a movie…wow never thought I would ever write that. Mostly because most games based on movies are horrible, and for some reason that’s especially true with comic movies. That’s not to say they’re all bad but i cant help thinking that when they’re programing a superhero game the computer goes apeshit and makes it shitty so it wont crash.

But wolverine, hoo boy, I was like a kid in a candy store. In the first five minutes there’s a cut scene where you brutally take out nine guys in the future, and then your blown up in a helacopter where you fall to the ground, impaling some dude to break your fall. and thats all before you even take control of the charecter! From there you lunge, stab, disembowl, and decapitate your way through the story. Also…YOU FIGHT A FUCKIN SENTINEL! IN SPACE! ok, in the upper atmosphere but you get the point. Here’s the thing though, this game is so fundamentally diffrent than the movie that it caught me off guard. In fact I’m pretty sure if the game met the movie at a party the game would murder the movie…brutally…castration included.

PSA

[I wrote some fake PSA’s for two mustaches and they should be coming out soon. In the meantime here is my favorite one[

New Net Solutions Presents…The Future of the Gun

Scientist: We’ve been getting a lot of complaints from you, the loyal consumer, that when you kill someone with a gun you can only kill them once. A tragic problem to be sure and one we’re happy to announce has been fixed! We have developed what we are calling the “Loop” Bullet. All you have to do is load and fire like any regular bullet, then when it’s inside your victim a small internal sensor waits until there are no longer any life signs and then it releases robotic nanites to repair damage and restore life to the corpse. The regeneration process takes about ten seconds and then they’re revived just long enough to think it’s a miracle and then they die again! I guess that’s a bit convulted, maybe a demonstration is in order! Bring in the test subject!!!

[A man comes in]

Scientist: Hello, whats tour name sir?

John: Hi, my name’s John.

Scientist: Well, why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself?

John: Uh, well I’m married with three beautiful children and I –

Scientist: - Boring!

[Gunshot]

John: Oh my- why…

Scientist: partly for science, mostly for fun.

John: uhhhhh *gurgle*

Scientist: Now we wait a few seconds.

[A few seconds pass and then…]

John: *gasp* oh my god it’s miracle, I’m alive, I’M ALIVE! I – urk – guh.

[A few seconds pass along again and then…]

John: *gasp* WHAT THE FUCK! Wasn’t I dead, then alive, then dead, and now I’m alive? I – GAH…

[A few seconds pass yet again]

John: *gasp* why are you doing this god?

Scientist: Yeah sorry but we scientifically proved that there was no god years ago. You are fucked.

John: But – gurg…

Scientist: I would say we have a Nobel Prize on our hands.

Coming Soon From New Net Solutions, A Subsidiary of Cobra Corp: Your Friendly Neighborhood Evil Corporation.

A Line I Have To Work Into Something

“Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the 9-11 of the Cineplex”